11 - The Mindful Way: Discovering Clarity and Calm with Stuart Couling Part 3

We're back for the third and final part in our three-part series with Stuart Coulson, a mindfulness and well-being coach. Get ready for a relaxing time with Stuart, let's get started. Welcome to Happiness, Health and Relationships podcast.

If you're looking for inspiration on powerful healthy habits, you've come to the right place. I'm Angeline and I've been working with people for over 10 years in therapy and this podcast will cut through the myths and misinformation on healthy lifestyle. I'll be interviewing experts in their field, providing top tips and motivation for six elements of living medicine.

The six elements are reducing stress, exercise and fitness, nutrition, sleep, reducing addictive substances and how to master healthy relationships. Let's get started. Dr Rangan Chatterjee, he's got some books on this kind of stuff and he talks about it in those terms that we've got so many fears around saying no to people and people pleasers and all that kind of thing and again it's part of our conditioning that we're taught to be kind to others but when it comes to being kind to ourselves that's selfish that's not it is it feels very different if we want to apply some of this stuff to ourselves and we're talking about that a lot more now self-care so we have to be kind to ourselves but it's it's funny because I'm noticing it's not really sinking in very fast it's people are so conditioned that they have to help other people out first especially in a working environment I need to do nine to five I need to do this I've got to do this I've got to get this finished by this time they they ignore them their own health and well-being and and there's so many people that are offered stuff at work like well-being sessions or or whatever there's so much on offer for people at work but they stay seem more stressed than ever and I'm trying to work that one out the the pressure seems to be on whether or not it's technology there's too much technology because years ago we'd just everything was much slower we're bombarded by emails we're bombarded by text message whatsapp social media even in our working lives I wonder if that's just too much for our brains all that modern technology whereas before you say okay I've got to post this letter and it's going to take a while to get a response you send an email to somebody you could get an instant response and you think oh I've got to deal with this now so no matter what is on offer well-being wise at work it's about okay so well how am I going to make sure that this actually happens am I going to take the pauses that I've been told about am I going to take 10 minutes out take my lunch break and have it mindfully have that cup of tea mindfully and and be present with it rather than multitasking and multitasking is interesting because it feels like we can multitask but actually the brain can only think about one thing at once which is why mindfulness is so powerful but we can flick from one thing to another really quickly but that's actually quite unhealthy for our brain so if we're watching telly and on our phone and whatever else is going on our brain is is flicking between you know multiple things at once and it it is it's not good for our brain at all it's not and if you somebody once told me if you watch a tv program now compared to a tv program made in the 70s for instance you watch how many times the camera changes and and flicks to something else or a different scene you watch tiktok videos that are so fast somebody suggests that I go on tiktok and do mindfulness well that kind of goes against everything for me I could do a quick mindfulness demonstration on tiktok but then it's on the minute it's yeah I don't know our minds are speeding up sadly rather than slowing down and and technology is a part of that technology is cool it's bringing everybody together but at the same time we need that break I think that what you were talking about a minute ago really of because I just feel that some of this stuff is is going against the grain is going against our culture and that fear of being judged that fear of not being liked when we're saying no actually I think I need this Saturday this Saturday morning or you know this hour or two wherever we can find it I I think I I just need to take a little bit of time out that's wrong with doing nothing what that that's where we feel guilt these days is like I've got like oh gosh I've got Saturday where I've got nothing planned to me now that's awesome that's like right I've got nothing planned on Saturday I'm going to go with the flow do what I want to do we'll notice our minds will try and plan something and be like oh I'll go for a car ride I'll go and see so-and-so I've got time to go and catch up with a friend or whatever but sometimes just taking that time to do nothing is amazing absolutely something to recharge our batteries because everything is outgoing and we are energetic beings aren't they but everything is outgoing all the resources that we have totally so tell us a bit about if we're facing something really challenging you know we might have experienced a bereavement or some kind of life-changing situation that we're really struggling to adapt there's a feeling of you know life was better before and now we're really struggling with this new chapter so to speak how can mindfulness help us with with the real real tricky things in life that we that do come they come along don't they absolutely and one thing I need to point out is with with grief in particular recent grief or anything that's recent trauma mindfulness is something to maybe step away from and use some other kind of therapy simply because it can become really uncomfortable because mindfulness is about and sitting with feelings and thoughts and accepting them so I would say anything that's really heavy avoid mindfulness okay but when it comes to um tricky situations should and I get people all the time coming to me that are unsure about relationships for instance so it can be tricky situation where do I stay with this person do I leave this person which is heavy in itself because they could have been with them for a long time so you would and use mindfulness in a way where and journaling really I guess so you you could meditate on it almost okay so what does it feel like to stay with this person what are the benefits of staying with this person what are the benefits of leaving this person what's bad about staying with this person what's bad about and leaving them so and you weigh it all up and you really tune in you maybe drew I mean people will get you to like the the um pluses and minuses of stuff um do that exercise what's you know what what feels good about what doesn't and really tune into the body and mind what thoughts are coming up here if I stay or if I leave what am I feeling if I stay or if I leave if I'm picturing playing it out visualizing it in the mind and where where am I feeling in the body what what could happen what might not happen it's really getting curious about it and and taking your time over it and pausing and thinking okay so I'm not sure not rushing into things I like that some really great practical again slowing it down I'm also thinking about expectations so to ask what are my expectations here are my expectations reasonable what would I be saying to a friend if I was hearing this dilemma from a friend can sometimes be helpful can't it that you know the answer might be well actually yeah I think I think what I'm expecting here is quite reasonable yeah and is it funny that we um it's easier to help somebody else with their situation because you're a step back from it so you're thinking okay so that this person's got this going on they've got that going on you can give them all the advice you want so so yeah so what would you say to a friend is a really good example because it's stepping away so if you can step away from your body and your mind and your life as if you are another person because you are in a way you are you are going back to your essence your your own energy and thinking okay so I'm not that person in that body at the moment what am I telling myself what what advice am I giving myself um so do the first exercise first where you're getting in tune with yourself and your body and your mind and working out how I would feel if I stayed or left and and then what advice would I give if I was out of this body and somebody else talking to me yeah by using that third person we we gain some distance between the emotion don't we yeah because we're we're feeling the emotion whereas if we imagine it as if it was somebody else then it gets that distance between the emotion because emotions can sometimes cloud our judgment obviously so so yeah now that sounds really powerful actually in because it can feel chaotic it can when you're in the middle of it we don't know what to do it we can feel confused you know all those things really difficult making decisions especially if if they feel big if they feel big big decisions then yeah that's it's really difficult it's about really getting to know yourself and okay how would this make me feel if i go that way it's like a crossroads in life isn't it and you think okay so i'll go that way let's deal with that let's work out what that's going to be like if i go that way let's work out what that's going to be like yeah and in feelings thoughts and what could happen what might not happen i like to ask as well what are my intentions here why am i making this decision what's important for me so almost thinking about values as well what my values are is it a decision that i'm making based on money alone if that's the case it's probably not going to bring me any fulfillment and it's you know it's it's not going to last whereas if it's in aligned with something else that's that's really important for me then that's that's a big yeah tick box isn't it and the values is quite an interesting one actually because um often people come up with their own values and beliefs and then realize actually they're not my values and beliefs they're societies or they're somebody else's they're what i learned at school or from family so it's quite a good exercise to go through your own values and beliefs and and with by being mindful of that and tuning in to how does that actually make me feel is this my is this my belief really or is that my mum's yeah and i think a good guidance on that one is when we watch stuff on tv or we witness something that stirs some kind of emotion such as you know if we see an injustice or if something makes us angry or upset then whatever that thing is that will probably help us point to our values well what is it about this that that i don't like and that i would want different yeah what's the difference you know that that um oh i can't remember who said it was it um be the change you want to see right okay um i can't remember who said it now it's a really famous quote anyway it might come to me that that's that there are values aren't they yeah what changes do we want to see totally rather than the media telling you what you should have as your values and because they are cultural values or whatever but yeah absolutely it's about that your true inner self and what you feel not what comes from outer sources absolutely again quietening down really to make our way towards towards that yeah i'm just interrupting this episode just for a few short moments to let you know that i've got a page where you can leave me a voice message i want to make these podcasts as interactive as possible and wherever i can include you my brilliant listeners into these episodes so head over to speakpike.com forward slash angeline and go ahead and leave me a message it could be a question it could be a review you might even want to let me know what you'd like to hear on the upcoming episodes whatever it is please drop me a message and we might even include your message in upcoming episodes i'll endeavor to answer all the questions but i can't guarantee that i'll get to all of them but i'll certainly give it a good go anyway let's get back to it so we've touched on challenges and making decisions there so you mentioned earlier that you had an activity for us which i'm really looking forward to and and this is just an example of how you can bring mindfulness into everyday life because that's what it's what it is really about it's not about sitting there and meditating it is but that's a tiny part of it it's about actually including mindfulness in everything you do and i've got some cards and this is a lovely pack of cards it's about a mindful month basically so it's 31 cards and you choose one per day and and they just take you through what you could do that day that isn't going to impact time or anything like that or get in the way of doing something else it's about probably doing that one thing mindfully rather than on autopilot which we often do we do things on autopilot if we do them every day so i'm inviting you to choose one of these cards it's every one you want oh eeny meeny miny mo whichever you feel drawn to and then just read it out and see the see what it says right so hang on where's my glasses mindfully reaching for your glasses yeah taste something with a strong flavor like coffee or a tangerine for example and play pay close attention to what happens in your mouth then what feelings these tastes evoke really try and appreciate how the object tastes and how that object makes you feel breathe in deep without thinking of anything else but that object and the feelings it provokes try this a couple of times until you have fully understood and appreciated every aspect and emotion of the taste so this is exactly what you were talking about earlier weren't you yeah drinking the coffee yeah exactly so a simple thing that we do every single day is eating and it's about bringing your full awareness and i think that's a really good one to to keep in your mind because um we do tend to multitask when we're eating and put it second but it's the most important thing is that it keeps us alive so if we can just show that gratitude if we can just experience it fully then we are living i'm looking forward to that for lunch i'm going to really be appreciative of the food and actually as well i'm thinking of something that we discussed earlier that if if i yeah gonna have a nice nutritious lunch and think about how the nutrition is fueling my body and healing my body because we alluded to that earlier didn't we if we believe something then it's it's gonna be um more likely so yeah absolutely i'm gonna try and incorporate that into my day because like you say we we eat every day that's just a really simple task that we can do today actually we can make a start with that mindfulness today with doing that can't we exactly yeah totally and you can you can even start in the morning by being mindful so and so you're gonna have your mindful breakfast yeah that's cool that's brilliant so and you're just going to do that one thing but even before that as you wake up what tends to happen we we go into thought mode and plan mode so today i have got what day is it oh it's friday i've got this gotta do the shopping gotta fix this gotta do a podcast i've gotta go and do a um session online and it your mind's going into plan mode and you're adding to those layers on the onion basically um so if you could just sit there and wake up and just notice the sound of the birds outside notice the duvet around you how warm you feel what can you hear what can you smell what's your breathing like what's your thoughts like today so far and just five minutes rather than going into into full-on plan mode yeah that will help you as well so start your day mindfully absolutely and what helps me with that is that i'm a big fan of having things a list so i've got my diary obviously and i've also got a list of stuff that kind of i'm working on at the moment so and i get a nice dopamine hit as well when i tick something off that list so that's always good but for me i need to have things written down because there's so many little things going on that i would find it really difficult especially first thing in the morning when you're thinking about your day so yeah i'm a massive fan of of a list have it on written down and then i don't have to think about it yeah exactly and then it's often when we wake up in the middle of the night normally three o'clock or something like that so i i sometimes go into planning mode and think i've got this session today i'm going to put this in and put that in get a list next to your bed and write it down once it's off your mind you will go back to sleep so uh yeah yeah absolutely so what a pleasure what an interesting conversation i knew it would be because we've we've spoken before haven't we so i love what you do i think that it's so important and um i'm really hoping that people are encouraged more to start taking better care of themselves we are you know the more we can incorporate this stuff the less likely we are to rely on medication and the more likely we are to live happier healthier absolutely and longer lives really being fully present that's something i'm really going to take away with from today thank you so much stewart i really enjoyed our conversation so would you like me to end with a little meditation oh yeah absolutely that would be great okay fantastic so we'll just make it a couple of minutes as an example of what what a meditation is i've got my little bells here which i will sound at the end lovely so just allow yourself just to be just to sit in that chair with your feet around hip width apart your back nicely supported by the back of the chair i'll leave a few gaps so that you can really tune in to when the mind decides it wants to grab your awareness away and close your eyes if you feel you want to or just soften your gaze onto something in front of you and just recognise what the mind is like today what kind of thoughts are they taking you into the future with planning or are you going into the past and just going over stuff i'm inviting you into this present moment where there is no to-do list there is nothing to plan no emails to respond to nothing to think about other than just sitting here and breathing to bring your awareness to your breath as you breathe in and breathe out on each out breath maybe allowing the body just to soften areas like your shoulders letting your arms and your hands go heavy allowing your face to soften your jawline just to just to open slightly so you're not clenching your jaw breathing in space breathing out and letting go just for a moment follow the journey of your breath in through the nose out through the nose and where you notice it in between and while you follow your breath i'm just going to read out a little mindfulness poem and it's called leisure by wh davis what is this life if full of care we have no time to stand and stare no time to stand beneath the boughs and stare as long as sheep and cows no time to see when woods we pass where squirrels hide their nuts in grass no time to see in broad daylight streams full of stars like skies at night no time to turn at beauty's glance and watch her feet how they can dance no time to wait till her mouth can enrich that smile her eyes began a poor life this if full of care we have no time to stand and stare so just allow those words just to settle you start to bring your awareness back to the body knowing that you're sat here knowing that you're breathing just start to wiggle your fingers and toes maybe deepen your breath and when you're ready maybe take a stretch and open your eyes and there you go it feels really nice doesn't it just those few minutes yeah we can all grab a few minutes here and there can't we absolutely and it takes just a couple of minutes just to pause and take that time out fantastic on that note we'll leave it for there for there but i'm sure that we'll have some more conversations in the future i hope so thoroughly enjoyed it thank you for having me on and that's it for another episode of happiness health and relationships podcast if you'd like to find out more ways that you can work with me then head over to happiness health relationships podcast.com and i'll see you on the next episode